


Sassy Castiel Vacations

by SoloArcana



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse of banishing sigils, Angel Banishing Sigil (Supernatural), Castiel in the Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Dean is a Little Shit, Dean's Daisy Dukes, Fluff in the Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Gen, Glitter, Inspired By Tumblr, M/M, Mr. Cas Takes a Vacation, Pray for Sam Winchester, Random photos, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester is So Done, Sasstiel, Sassy Cas Vacations, Sassy Castiel (Supernatural), Snark, crop top dean, poor baby, so is Cas - Freeform, so much glitter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-12 13:47:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19133263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoloArcana/pseuds/SoloArcana
Summary: The first time it happened, it took Castiel 34 hours to get back to the bunker.The second and third times took half that.By the fourth time, he thought it was time to teach Dean a lesson.Castiel stayed gone for a week.When he walked back into the bunker, Dean met him at the foot of the stairs."Where the hell have you been, Cas?"





	Sassy Castiel Vacations

**Author's Note:**

> Every now and then, you come across a gifset that is too perfect NOT to use. This was one of those times. I came across these Tumblr caps on PalominoPup's Facebook group, and I couldn't resist scribbling out a crackfic.

The first time it happened, it took Castiel 34 hours to get back to the bunker.

The second and third times took half that.

By the fourth time, he thought it was time to teach Dean a lesson.

Castiel stayed gone for a week.

When he walked back into the bunker, Dean met him at the foot of the stairs.

"Where the hell have you been, Cas?"

"I believe it was...Oregon? The forest was beautiful. Very peaceful. Did you know that there are still places in this world that humanity has not stepped foot on?" Castiel is supremely unruffled by Dean's agitation. He wants to pat Dean's cheek, like one would a pouting child, but he's not quite ready for that reaction yet. He knows Dean. He knows that there will be more of these occurrences, and if Dean is going to continue to be a dick, Castiel is going to enjoy being one as well.

The next time it happened, Cas had been gone for 3 days when Dean's phone pinged with a notification.

_> >New message from Cas _

Dean opens the message.

 

 

 

_You banished me to France._  
Look who I ran in to!   
_He seems to hold no grudge over my attempt to kill him._   
_He asked where my boyfriend was.  
_ _I assume he means you._

 

Dean's eyes almost bug out of his head. He thought Balthazar had bit it years ago. Stranger things have happened to them.

_> >Quit dicking around with Balthazar and get your feathery ass back here. _

_What is it you like to tell me? Oh, yes. Blow me, Dean. I do what I want._

 

\-----

 

After Cas returns from his French vacation, Dean slows down on banishings. He manages almost two whole months before he poofs Cas to another random location. No matter what Sam says, Dean was not being childish.

Not at all.

He's a grown-ass man that doesn't throw fits over board games.

Monopoly is serious business though.

Dean's washing the blood from his hand when Sam comes into the kitchen, tucking his phone back into his pocket. "Why is Cas texting me, asking me to come to Denver and pick him up? He was just here."

Dean scrubs extra vigorously at his nail beds.

"Dean?"

More scrubbing.

"DEAN."

Dean jerks a shoulder. "He wouldn't sell me Park Place…"

Sam can't believe what he's hearing. "Oookay? So?"

"So I banished him. Looks like he landed in Denver this time."

Sam's face is valiantly trying to decide between Bitchface #12, and Shocked Puppy Sammy. He knew Dean was competitive, but this?

"Dean, don't you think that's a little childish?"

"Maybe he'll sell it to me next time." Dean dries his hands and leaves the kitchen, Sam staring at him like he just can't believe what a dumbass his big brother can be.

"Might as well catch a game while we're there," Sam says to himself as he packs an overnight bag. If he's driving twelve hours round trip because his brother is a sore loser, he's taking some r and r.

Cas and Sam spend the weekend in Denver, taking a day tour through the Rocky Mountain National Park, trying out a zip-line, and ending their mini vacation with a haunted pub tour. Dean spends Saturday sulking and Sunday in his underwear catching up on his Netflix queue. On the nightstand, his phone pings.

_> >New message from Cas_

 

__

_Only 1 assbutt missing 😆😘_

Dean rolls his eyes and types out _you both suck_ before getting back to his horror flick marathon.

 

\-----

 

The next time Dean banished Castiel, Cas kind of deserved it. Sam had told Cas about their old prank wars, and Cas found the idea intriguing. It started out as small things: the itching powder in his boxers was a classic that Cas couldn't pass up. Then he spent an afternoon swapping labels from all of Dean's beers onto a case of non-alcoholic beer and sticking them in the fridge. Changing the Netflix queue to all foreign art films and nature documentaries took him a couple of hours while the boys were sleeping. While doing laundry one day, he cropped a few of Dean's t-shirts. That one almost backfired on him, because Dean just cut the sleeves off, too, and paired them with his obscenely short cutoffs to wash Baby in. He even swapped all of the labels on Dean's cassette collection. (He made a list first, he's not a monster.)

All of these, while amusing, wouldn't have warranted the banishing that Dean laid on Cas. What led to Cas' downfall came to him while he was surfing the internet. In hindsight, he really should have known better. Some things are sacred. Some things you just don't mess with.

The package had arrived two days after he ordered it, complete with a list of suggested uses and installation instructions. He waited until Sam and Dean went to bed, then crept to the garage. Armed with a flashlight and the package, he apparated into Baby's pristine front seat and went to work. In less than 15 minutes he was done and back in his room.

The next day starts as usual. Coffee, breakfast, research, supply check. Dean's feeling like a pot roast for dinner, so he makes a quick list and grabs Baby's keys.

"C'mon, Cas. Let's hit the store."

Castiel follows Dean to the garage and slides into the passenger seat. If he sits a little closer to the door than usual, Dean doesn't notice as he slides the key into the ignition.

Two things happen simultaneously. Dean turns the key to start the car, and he presses the brake pedal. There's a loud pop, and blue, green, and gold glitter explodes all over Dean and Baby's once-immaculate interior.

This was it. This was Cas' coup-de-grace to his pulling pranks on Dean. He couldn't have had a more epic finale. He pulls out his phone and takes a photo of Dean covered in glitter. The shutter sound is what snaps Dean back to reality.

He looks at Castiel. He looks down at his lap, now covered in sparkles that didn't come off of a stripper. He looks back up at Castiel. Without a word, he gets out of the car, and starts brushing off what looks like an entire craft section-worth of glitter onto the floor of the garage. He pulls out his pocket knife and makes a shallow cut in his forearm. Dipping his fingers into the blood, he draws quickly on the floor.

"Dean, what are you doing? It's not that bad, I got the biodegradable glitter so it could just be washed or swept out of-"

There's a flash of light, and Castiel is gone.

Three hours later…

_ >>New message from Cas_

__

 

_Really, Dean? REALLY?!_

_> >Don't mess with a man's car, Cas._

_You know I would have just "mojo'd" it clean for you, don't you?_

_> >You're lucky it's temporary. _

_...fine. I appreciate your restraint. I would never inflict permanent damage on your car, Dean. She's too important to you._

 

When Cas returns this time, he comes bearing pie and beer. He lifts the items with a cautious grin. "Peace offering?"

"Pie and beer? How cheap do you think I am? Don't answer that." Dean relieves Cas of his burdens and heads back to the kitchen. There's ice cream in the freezer, and it's almost sacrilege to eat pie without it.

They sit at the kitchen table, and Dean is halfway through his first slice when Castiel breaks the silence.

"So how long-"

"Three days, Cas. Three. Days. I'm still finding glitter in my clothes."

 

\-----

 

Sam is in the library, trying to catch up on some research. He's _trying_ , rather than _doing_ , because Dean and Cas have been arguing for the last twenty minutes at max volume. At this point, he's not even sure what they're arguing about. Hell, he doesn't even think they know what they're arguing about anymore. He wishes he could just lock them in a room together until they either came to terms or fucked each other into a handy surface.

And now he needs brain bleach, because the idea of his brother and his best friend rage fucking has been seared into his brain. Sam officially hates everything.

Suddenly, it's much quieter than it has been. Sam just assumes that each man went to their separate corners to fume in peace. He shrugs to himself and continues reading.

He's interrupted five minutes later by his brother setting an ice cold beer in front of him.

"Did you guys sort it out?"

Dean links his hands behind his head and leans back. "Sort what out?"

Sam gives Dean a _Look_.

"Dude. I heard you two bitching at each other. Now you're here and it's quiet. You either sorted things out, or-"

"Oh I sorted things out alright. Definitely sorted."

"Okay, then where's Cas?"

Dean's phone pings.

Dean shrugs. "Dunno, but that's probably him."

Sam just _looks_ at Dean. "Did you banish Cas? _Again?_ "

 

_> >New message from Cas _

 

__

_Thanks for the vacation, ~~bitch~~  Dean._

_I was feeling a bit restless._

🍹🍔😘😇🕶🌊🌈🌞

"Son of a bitch!"

**Author's Note:**

> I had a very weird search history from writing this fic. It is apparently 5 hours and 59 minutes from Lebanon, Kansas, to Denver, Colorado. They actually have a haunted pub tour as one of the top 10 things to do in Denver. If I ever go, I'm definitely going to try it out. 
> 
> I took liberties with rigging a glitter cannon to go off the way it did in this fic. I know less than nothing about building any kind of cannon, much less rigging it to go off at a certain time. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! You can find me on  Tumblr , where I reblog so much SPN it's ridiculous, or on  Twitter, where I scream into the void about Destiel, Supernatural, dogs, and other randomness.


End file.
